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| Golden Word |
Character talks about your behaviour and this is important in a marriage relationship. Many people mistake reputation for character. Reputation is who people perceive you to be. But who you are when no man is looking is your character. In choosing a life partner, you must look out for qualities and character in people. It is your duty to ensure that the person you want to marry and indeed yourself do not have too many character flaws. These are beauty, brain and behaviour (character). It is amazing that beauty and brain can be discovered in no time. To discover character takes time. You must be patient in looking out for character as you also work on yourself.
First and foremost, work on your own character before you look out for character in others. Go for content and not the container. It is the content that attracts value. I will illustrate this statement using the coca-cola advert. At the end of the Coca-cola advert, they usually conclude it by saying, ”#100, liquid content only”. In order words, the value #100 is attached to the content alone. The container (beauty) is not as valuable as the content (character). A lady was asked, “What are the qualities you will like to see in a man you wish to marry?” In replying, she said, “I want a man that is Tall, Dark and Handsome (TDH). These are just mere attributes relating to the container and not qualities relating to content. You are meant to look out for good qualities and character.
Since character is important in choosing a life partner, you must work on your character as you look out for character in others. Few of the characters you should put on yourself and the ones to look out for in other people:
(i) Self-Control
Proverb 25:28
28 “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Self-control is the ability to be in charge of your emotions and actions. A man without self-control is a vulnerable man. It is important that a christian be armed with this essential character. A man without self-control will be ruled with all manner of emotions.
Such a man will be unstable in all his ways since human emotion is also unstable. Self-control is an antidote for curing lust. Many people erroneously believed that marriage will cure lust. Instead of using self-control to tackle lust, they rush into marriage, as if marriage is meant to cure lust. Marriage cannot and will not cure lust. If marriage can cure lust, there will not be adultery in marriage. Make sure you handle lust with self-control before you marry. You may be Solomon in wisdom, you may be David in praise, you may be Abraham in faith or you may be Joshua in war but if you are not Joseph in disciple, you may end up like Samson in destruction. Apostle Peter in his book listed self-control as one of the character that must not be lacking in the life of any christian.
Peter 1:5-8
5 For this very reason, make effort to add to your, faith goodness;
6 and to goodness knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control; perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;
7 and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to. brotherly kindness, love
8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. (NIV)
Self-control is among the several qualities that apostle Peter desire to see in the life of any believer.He believes this quality will make a believer effective and productive. Therefore, in preparation for marriage, you must endeavour to add self-control into your life. Moreover, you should also be on the look out for this quality in the life of a believer you wish to marry. I usually charge unmarried brothers to ensure they have self-control in their lives. This is because the hallmark of a young man, I believe, is self-control according to Titus 2:6.
Titus 2:6
6 Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. Paul was specific. He instructed that the young men should have self-control. I usually instruct young unmarried lady never to consider a man without self-control for marriage. A man that cannot control himself is vulnerable. Anyone that cannot control his or her anger, tongue, love for money or sexual apetite is not ripe for marriage.
One day, a christian lady who was in a relationship with a young man. She told me that the guy was demanding for sex. This guy even threatened to quit the relationship if she refuses to give in to him sexually.
Meanwhile, they had agreed at the onset of the relationship to reserve sex till the wedding day. I advised the lady to quit the relationship. My argument was simple. If he cannot control his sexual apetite to the extent of issuing out a threat, he is likely not a reliable man. That is a warning signal. Any man that cannot control his sexual apetite in courtship will likely be involved in extra-marital affairs. Such a man is an adulterer in the making. He will likely sleep with your maid or your sister in the future. Never over look that quality called self-control. Add it to your life and look out for it in the life of your partner.
(ii) Forgivenes
Forgiveness is the act of forgiving or the willingness to forgive. There is no way offence will not come up in a relationship. It is expected that such offence will be handled with forgiveness. Anyone that cannot forgive should not think of marriage. Jesus Christ admonish us
to forgive our neighbours 490 times a day (Matt. 18:21-22). The moral of this lesson is that we should always be ready to forgive in advance. Bob Gass defined unforgiveness as the umblical cord that ties you to your past. Unforgiveness hinders your progress in life. Unforgiveness also hinders your prayer (Mark 11:25). If you are ready to advance into that institution called marriage, you must be ready and willing to forgive in advance.
It is important for a believer to work on his or herself when it comes to the issue of forgiveness. The bible makes it clear that offences will always come. The only way to deal with it is to be ready to forgive. You must learn how to forgive your friends, neighbours, siblings etc in preparation for the person you will marry. In the course of living together, there will always be misunderstanding. You must always willing and ready to forgive where necessary. if this quality is lacking in you, go before God and ask Him to help you add this important quality into your life. The resultant effect of this prayer is that more people will offend you. Your. ability to willingly forgive them will make this quality abide in you.
When my wife was an undergradute, she was in a relationship with a young man. After a while, this young man left her for another lady. She was hurt, bittered and betrayed. She held him up in her heart in unforgiveness. The Holy Spirit began to deal with her showing her reasons why she needs to forgive him and move on. After several days of conviction by the Holy Spirit, she made up her mind to forgive. Eventually, this young man fixed his wedding date with the new lady. The Holy Spirit convinced my wife to go for the wedding which took place several kilometers to where she was living. You will agree with me, that was not easy at all. To attend a wedding where you will be thinking, “I would have been the bride.” She obeyed and went for the wedding. She greeted them and took photograph with them. She discovered that the pain and the bitterness she had been experiencing disapeared completely. This act of forgiveness helped to prepare her for marriage, where she will need to forgive over and over again.
